Editor’s Note: While researching the X-Men franchise for allegories of Zionism, crony capitalism and state-sponsored and -enforced racism and prejudice, Shortcuts & Delusions’ Dillon Eliassen became embroiled in a conspiracy involving shadowy government law enforcement agencies and operatives of terrorist organizations and former Soviet bloc countries who have infiltrated the highest levels of the United State’s federal government. This conspiracy, Dillon believed, explains the link between the Chicago Cubs World Series win, the election of Donald Trump and the La La Land/Moonlight mix-up at the Academy Awards. Dillon was last seen on a closed circuit camera entering an underground parking garage, from which emitted a sudden flash of light, and a scrambling of the camera’s time code. Further investigation into Dillon’s disappearance implies that he was transported to an astral plane, where he struggles to recombine his body and consciousness, and rescue the temporal world from the alternate timeline we find ourselves living in. While Dillon is seeking to recover the Singularity, please enjoy this edition of Shortcuts & Delusions guest-authored by his compatriots Brandon Kirby and Nathaniel Owen.
Syrian-born Jesus Christ has been banned from entering the United States.
Jesus, born under Quirinius, governor of Syria, has been barred entry to the United States under President Trump’s controversial executive order that temporarily prohibits travel from six predominately Muslim, countries. The White House, heavily dependent on the Christian vote, viewed the situation as manageable, until President Trump asked if the Messiah would be impacted given that He may already be in the country.
Documentation for the Son of Man couldn’t be produced. Given his history of breaking or ‘fulfilling’ local law, if found, Jesus will be deported.
President Trump’s rival during the presidential primaries, Senator Ted Cruz, said, “My father is a pastor and I have nothing but the deepest and abiding respect Christ. But it’s time to put America first and deport him back to Syria then carpet-bomb that country to oblivion so forcefully we’ll find out if sand can glow.”
Senator Bernie Sanders also weighed in, “It’s hardah for a millionah or a billionah to enter into the kingdom of God than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. Jesus knew this, that’s why they’re deporting him.”
Rev. Jerry Falwell Jr. commented, “Losing Christ will be a bit of a blow to the Church, but I still support our president and believe him to be a man of Christian values.”
The ghost of Ayn Rand was thrilled with the move, and retweeted the following tweet from President Trump:
Regarding Trump’s claim that Obama ordered the wiretapping of Trump Tower, the editors at National Review write:
The president should demand the relevant FISA applications, if any, that the Obama Justice Department submitted. The president can declassify any documents at will. Contrary to the outcry at the possibility, such presidential intervention would not constitute political interference in an ongoing investigation, because FISA surveillance is not a law-enforcement matter (as our own Andrew C. McCarthy has explained at length). President Trump should then make as much of this material as possible public. The public deserves to know the facts. The administration should pursue them with more diligence and sobriety than the president showed in setting off this firestorm.
Right, because President Trump has been so wildly successful during his short time in politics by releasing evidence supporting his accusations. If anything has compelled Trump to inhabit the highest office in the land, nay, the world, it is his baseless claims that his predecessor was not born in the United States, that Mexico would pay for the wall, and now that Obama ordered the bugging of Trump Tower.
The last time a liberal Republican was involved in a bugging scandal he had to resign. Trump going the way of Nixon would be a welcome end to this short national nightmare, and might even restore the original timeline. What is odd is that a guy who promises so much bang for the buck, Trump offers very little entertainment value. He’s essentially an old man pulling his pants down in public for a few seconds of attention from passers-by. Don’t we, the American people, deserve something better? At least Nixon was driven by paranoia and self-loathing; Trump is driven by a childish need to be in the spotlight at all times. If his administration is going to be constantly embroiled in scandal, can it at least be an amusing and psychological caricature, rather than what currently passes for polititainment (I just invented that word, but you can all use it for just five easy payments of $99.95). He’s a reality TV star, but despite all his promises of class and prestige the show he stars in may as well be “Cops.”
Almost 100 years ago, a wise man, quite possibly Patrick Stewart, wrote:
The Second ComingTurning and turning in the widening gyreThe falcon cannot hear the falconer;Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhereThe ceremony of innocence is drowned;The best lack all conviction, while the worstAre full of passionate intensity.Surely some revelation is at hand;Surely the Second Coming is at hand.The Second Coming! Hardly are those words outWhen a vast image out of Spiritus MundiTroubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desertA shape with lion body and the head of a man,A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,Is moving its slow thighs, while all about itReel shadows of the indignant desert birds.The darkness drops again; but now I knowThat twenty centuries of stony sleepWere vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
And that’s the way it was, as far as you know.