The Candidates Make Their Final Statements


This is satire.

With the election just around the corner, the parties are all making a last ditch effort to appeal to their bases and to pull in vital new voters. asked each of the four major candidates to send us a paragraph, making their final pitch as to why we should vote for them. Here are their exclusive replies:

Hillary Clinton

Curse you citizens.

I was SO CLOSE. I was so close to having this thing in the bag.

I beat that crazy old Jew (with a little “help” from my friends in the DNC). I sent my minions into comment sections to make sure even mild critique was shouted down as sexism. I watched as the Republicans elect a bigoted, pussy-grabbing lunatic. That White House was MINE.

But NO. You just had to peek behind the curtain and see the corruption.

Well, I’ve still got time to win you over. If there’s one thing HRC is known for, it’s easy-going charm and people skills. All my advisors say so. Let’s see… hot sauce… dabbing… Pokémon GO… I’m a woman… historic… something.

Dammit, democracy is so hard. I knew I was right to oppose it in other countries.

[My team will be in touch to collect my $25,000 for writing this paragraph.] 

Donald Trump

Listen to me, okay? A lotta people are saying the media has been very nasty to me. You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. And frankly, it’s disgraceful.

I mean, who’da thought suggesting deporting millions of people, imprisoning journalists and banning an entire religion from entering the country would get people so antsy. It’s crazy. Bigly crazy.

Frankly, at this stage, we all know this thing is totally rigged. Tremendously rigged. So, vote for me if you want. But what you gotta do is tune into TrumpTV, coming out November 9th. We’ve got all the best people and it’s gonna be a yuuuuge success. Just like Trump Vodka, Trump Ice, Trump Airlines,, The Tour de Trump, Trump University, Trump: The Game and the USFL.

Jill Stein

WI-FI CAUSES BRAIN DAMAGE. Oh, did I say that out loud? I mean wi-fi might cause brain damage. Just like gravity might not be real and leeching might work great.

I also oppose GMOs and nuclear energy… because science, who needs it?

And if I’m too sweet and old lady-like for you, I’ve got an insane vice presidential candidate. He thinks that the Je Suis Charlie movement is “an arrogant rallying cry for white supremacy”. That’s definitely a guy we want around the levers of power.

Gary Johnson

Well, gee. I just wanna make things better, you know. Vote for me because I’m the only candidate with a sane set of policies, and because I’ll regularly provide hilarious YouTube clips by forgetting what/where things are. If it’s funny when your stoner roommate forgets stuff, it’ll definitely be funny when the President of the United States does it. Right?

Sure, some people say I’m not super libertarian because I support a carbon tax and because I wouldn’t legalize all drugs. But compared to Trump and Clinton, I’m Ayn Rand on steroids. Plus, I really like pot.

Also, I climbed Mt. Everest. Have I mentioned that enough yet?

* Luke Terry is a freelance journalist who has written about libertarianism for Spiked, LibertarianHome, and others. He also has bylines with Men’s Health, The Radio Times,, The Drinks Business, and many more. He freelances comedy content and regularly performs stand-up on the London circuit.

The following two tabs change content below.
The main account, used for editorials and guest author submissions. The views expressed here belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect our views and opinions. Contact the Editor at [email protected]

Latest posts by Being Libertarian (see all)