This is satire.
August 10, 2016
Guest Bathroom, Clinton residence, Chappaqua, NY
Subject: DNC Nominee’s Health
In attendance: Communications Director Jennifer Palmieri; Campaign Vice Chair Huma Abedin; Political Director Amanda Renteria; Chief Strategist Joel Benenson; Campaign Manager Robby Mook
Mr. Mook: Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
Ms. Palmieri: Why are we meeting in the old server room?
Mr. Mook: All the other bedrooms and bathrooms are occupied by the Clintons’ guests.
Ms. Palmieri: By who, the fucking Sauds?
Mr. Mook: Yes, the Sauds.
Mr. Palmieri: Unbelievable!
Mr. Mook: Will you please keep your voice down? We don’t want them to hear us.
Ms. Renteria: Why are they staying here? Couldn’t they buy out a floor at the Plaza?
Mr. Benenson: It’s pretty late, Rob. I’m exhausted, couldn’t this wait ‘til morning?
Ms. Palmieri: Aw, Joel is all tuckered out. He’s a wittle sweepy head…
Mr. Mook: Knock it off, Jenny, we have something serious to discuss.
Ms. Renteria: We’re not planning another hit, are we? Because I’m totally fine with that.
Mr. Mook: No, no, nothing like that. Well… no, it’s not necessary this time.
Ms. Renteria: Really, I have no problem with it.
Mr. Mook: Amanda, it’s not necessary.
Ms. Renteria: Come on, Rob, don’t be a pussy. My crew has this down to an exact science. Just give the word and our latest problem disappears.
Ms. Palmieri: Yeah, Rob, don’t be a pussy.
Ms. Renteria: Jenny, remember in Goodfellas when they go to Tommy’s house to get a shovel but his mom turns on the light and they wind up having dinner with her while Billy Batts is in the trunk of Henry’s car?
Ms. Palmieri: One of my favorite scenes! Such a great movie.
Ms. Renteria: Great fucking movie. I keep a few shovels in the trunk of my car so that when we have a stiff to dump we’re prepared.
Ms. Palmieri: Good thinking.
Mr. Mook: OK, we’re getting way off track. Huma, will you explain what happened?
Ms. Abedin: A few hours ago Hillary fell down again.
Mr. Benenson: Oh, my God! Was she hurt?
Ms. Abedin: She’s a little shaken up, but she’s OK, more or less.
Mr. Benenson: OK, well, this happens all the time. Why is this episode so important?
Ms. Abedin: Well, unfortunately, when she went down… her wig was dislodged from her scalp.
Ms. Renteria: In front of the Sauds?! Haha!
Mr. Mook: Amanda! This isn’t funny.
Ms. Renteria: Oh, come on, you pussy, it’s a little funny.
Mr. Mook: Anyway, word about this will certainly get out. The campaign leaks like a sieve. If word of this fall and her wig falling off get out, let alone a picture of the incident, which we should all assume exists, the campaign may not be able to recover. Hill has serious health problems. So, we need a distraction.
Ms. Renteria: Some of my agents have learned Bill has been visiting Monica in New York again. We could leak that.
Ms. Abedin: That’s not funny, Amanda.
Ms. Renteria: Jesus Hula Hooping Christ, you and Rob are a couple of humorless pricks.
Ms. Abedin: Fuck you!
Ms. Renteria: Oh, fuck me? Fuck. Yoouuu.
Mr. Benenson: OK, OK, everyone calm down.
Ms. Palmieri: I know, I’ll get a fan to run up to her for an autograph, it’ll startle Hill and she’ll make one of those goofy faces of hers that makes her look like she’s tripping on mushrooms. A few minutes later it’ll be a .gif and it’ll be all over social media and nobody will pay any attention to her latest collapse.
Mr. Mook: It would be nice if we could do this without making Hill look completely foolish. Joel, can you ask that little shit Trey Gowdy to subpoena her to testify about Benghazi again?
Mr. Benenson: Congress is on summer break.
Mr. Mook: Can you get on the horn to all your media contacts and have them highlight some of the more egregious DNC emails?
Mr. Benenson: Again? We’re getting into “law of diminishing returns” territory with that.
Mr. Mook: Can you call Paul Manafort and ask him to ask Trump to say something really offensive and/or retarded?
Mr. Benenson: At this stage, I don’t see what other option there is.
Mr. Mook: OK, I’ll free up some money and wire it to Manafort.
Ms. Renteria: I swear to God, the next campaign I work on will not be for a frail old woman who can’t even walk up three stairs onto a porch without Secret Service assistance.
This post was written by Dillon Eliassen.
The views expressed here belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect our views and opinions.
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