This is satire.
(Following an anonymous tip-off, Being Libertarian has received exclusive access to an internal email sent to all senior Democratic Party members outlining the reasons behind their loss in the presidential election.)
I’m sure you’re still in shock after the nation decided to elect Literally Hitler last week.
It is customary after an election for the losing party to engage in a “post-mortem” of sorts. This is done to try to understand where they failed. Over the past 10 days the party heads have been working overtime, and have finally come up with a list of “Officially Approved Causes of the 2016 Democratic Party Defeat.” Please find the list attached below:
Officially Approved Causes of the 2016 Democratic Party Defeat
Everyone who didn’t vote for us is sexist
This is clearly the main reason why we lost the election. Who could have predicted that so many people hate all women, not just Hillary Clinton specifically? As Newsweek wisely pointed out, this election was a “referendum on gender”, and not a choice between two individuals, one of whom happened to be a woman.
The fact that 43% of the country didn’t vote, and that more people backed the Green and Libertarian parties than ever before, is not indicative of a systemic problem with our party. The fact that so many people couldn’t bring themselves to vote for us, even to stop the lovechild of Mr. MoneyBags and The Annoying Orange, is just proof that sexism is rampant in America.
4.5 million people voted for Gary Johnson in this election, and over a million backed Jill Stein. Obviously, these people are not as deplorable as Donald Trump supporters. Instead, they were obviously too stupid to understand that not voting for Hillary is automatically voting for Trump. We should repeat the “Any vote not cast for X is a vote for Y” line to them until their ears bleed and they are properly shamed. Then they’ll definitely want to support us going forward.
The lazy youth
Only 19% of citizens aged 18 to 29 voted in this election. Obviously, this is a sign that America’s youth is lazy and slovenly.
This fecklessness must be a recent development, as in 2008 and 2012 more than 40% of them voted. In fact, no election since 1984 (including mid-terms) has ever had such low turnout from young voters.
Since we know that this unprecedented lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with us rigging our primaries against the candidate they liked, or forcing one of the Stepford Wives down their throats, we must look for other explanations. We suggest placing the blame on:
- Legalised marijuana
- Violent video games
- Pokémon GO
Banned Causes of the 2016 Democratic Defeat
Below is a list of reasons that should not be considered as factors in our electoral defeat. If someone makes any of these arguments, stick your fingers in yours ears and think of our Glorious Leader Hillary Clinton.
Any reason that requires us to change in any way whatsoever
Some critics have already used this humiliating defeat to suggest that the Democratic Party needs to change its ways. These people should be shouted down, called sexist, and blocked on Twitter.
Obviously, advocating minimal social change, embracing corruption and cronyism, and calling our critics bigots is a winning formula. If anything, we need to double down on our approach. Only by ignoring any and all critique can we finally become the people’s party again.
Please be sure to memorise this list and repeat it as often and loudly as possible. If you have any questions or comments about this list, please feel free to email me at: [email protected], and we’ll send Tim Kaine to break your fingers.
Have a pleasant day, and remember: Criticism is heresy!
P.S. If anyone still has any emails from Hillary Clinton, please delete them ASAP.
* Luke Terry is a freelance journalist who has written about libertarianism for Spiked, LibertarianHome, and others. He also has bylines with Men’s Health, The Radio Times, BT.com, The Drinks Business, and many more. He freelances comedy content and regularly performs stand-up on the London circuit.