Doth Protest Too Much: Gooney Tunes
Hello, and welcome back to this very special edition of Doth Protest Too Much, where I, David, take pot-shots at politics and hot button topics of great concern to the world as we know it.
One of these overlooked phenomena, which must be aptly addressed, is that of Australia’s longstanding drinking culture; which consists of drinking until you make Charlie Sheen look sober, dropping your dacks to the Eagle Rock and swigging cheap bags of cask wine (goon bags) with no repercussions.
All of this brings to mind a singular pertinent question in the minds of all libertarians: Why in the hell is this a libertarian issue?
Given the reputation of libertarians as hands-off people, unwilling to do anything for the benefit or the “greater good,” it’s time that we break down that stereotype and advance our own cause starting with this one topic in particular: How do we make societal progress in removing alcohol poisoning from the sphere of Australian culture?
The answer is incredibly simple, my friend.
The reason why the growth in sales of cask wine has boomed, and created such a thriving industry, is inherent in the tax rate, as cask wine is only taxed five cents per standard drink, which explains how four litres of white wine is readily available for the price of ten dollars.
Comparatively, a six pack of full strength beer (just under two litres) will cost $24.70 and will be subject to forty six cents of taxation on each standard drink.
Pre-mixed drinks (commonly referred to as “Alcopops” within Australia) are subject to a dollar and four cents of taxation for each standard drink, which makes a ten-can pack of the “tangy soda,” Smirnoff Ice Black, a whopping 41 dollars.
Having already established the cost/ratio difference to be considerably uneven in Australian taxes, the inner machinations of a youth looking to get tipsy seem to be common sense, although we are yet to factor in the alcohol percentage of these drinks.
The beer ($24.70 for 1.98 litres) has an alcohol percentage of 5.2%.
The pre-mixed ‘Alcopop’ ($41.00 for 3.75 litres) has an alcohol percentage of 6.5%.
The cask wine ($10 for 4.0 litres) has an alcohol percentage of 9.5%.
A simple crunch of the numbers demonstrates how an uneven and faulty tax system has left exploitable loopholes for those looking for a quick and demonstrably dangerous buzz.
What can we do to curb the death-count? Should we enforce a higher taxation on cask wine?
The answer is to drop the tax on products with lower alcohol content and re-work the Australian identity to consume bottles designed for moderation rather than nebulous chrome blobs of morning regret.
We should protect our youth by accommodating their empty pockets rather than the government’s flawed attempt at stopping rampant Australian alcoholism.
Perhaps I’m completely wrong, perhaps I’m right or perhaps I doth protest too much.
I need a drink.