#FakeNews: Mitch McConnell returns to Galapagos Islands to save his species


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, after finally reforming taxes – his first major piece of legislation in years – has decided to return to his native Galapagos Islands to save his species of tortoise from extinction.

Many thought the Pinta Island Tortoise extinct when Lonely George died in 2012, little did they know that another member of the species had, very slowly, swam off the island and made it to a famous spawning ground for cold-blooded reptiles and other swamp creatures – Washington, D.C.

Burt, a Galapagos finch, was as surprised as anyone. “I always knew lonely Mitch as devious, but I never could have imagined he’d make it this far. He held a grudge against humanity for killing his fellow tortoises, and must have tried to get his revenge by ruining America’s healthcare system or giving a tax break to corporations. Now he’s finally coming back home to try and save his own species.”

McConnell’s Senate staff confirmed that he intends to reach Pinta Island within 25 years, right in time for mating season – if he can find another surviving tortoise, that is.

While the whole undertaking may seem ridiculous, unnecessarily drawn out, and doomed to fail, that’s never stopped Mitch McConnell before.

Lawmakers back in Washington are concerned McConnell’s disappearance could inspire others and stall the 1,152nd Republican attempt at healthcare reform.

There is still no word on whether Paul Ryan will go on an expedition to find his long lost spine, or whether President Trump will return to the Cheetos bag from whence he came.

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Adam Barsouk

Adam Barsouk is a student of medicine and health policy at Jefferson Medical College and a cancer researcher at the University of Pittsburgh. His family’s escape from the Soviet Union, and his experiences in the lab and the clinic, have inspired him to restore liberty to healthcare and the other depraved sectors of American life.