WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a commemoration ceremony for the victims of the Parkland shooting, Donald Trump vowed to personally visit every public school in America to combat school shooters.
President Trump was furious when media outlets all expressed doubt that he could, as he said, “even if I didn’t have a weapon, I would rush in [to a school shooting].”
Doubling down, Trump decided to go off the teleprompter at a delicate and sorrowful event in order to set the record straight.
“Look, I have a lot of experience dealing with crazy white guys with guns”—he began to say, before seeing a “no-go” gesture from all of his cabinet members and instantly switching gears. “So the bullets will go like Pew, Pew, Pew and I’ll be like Bam!” he said to the crowd of mourners.
Trump continued, “I’m a fit guy. I drink only Diet Cokes, no Coke, water, nothing, I exercise by taking the stairs every other week, and I even tested negative for dementia! I almost owned a football team once. I could tackle that school shooter no problem. This Nicholas Cruz lightweight—probably related to Lyin’ Ted Cruz, and I crushed that pipsqueak at the debates.”
The reaction of the crowd was stone-faced, until Trump’s concluded with, “Who wants to see the Donnie go up against a school shooter?” and the crowd burst into a standing ovation.
Since promising to tour “all the schools in America ever,” Trump has scheduled two visits, accompanied at all times by heavily armed body guards.
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