Guns Kill People


This article is satire.

well regulated militia
Among many other things, the founders couldn’t have anticipated weapons with over 10 rounds per minute or assault grips.

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

– Some old homophobic racist in the late 1980s

People often confuse the “right” to bear arms with the right to own weapons. Libertarian and Conservative thinkers (if they can be called that) often argue that the Second Amendment protects the peoples’ right to own and purchase guns. To the educated Obliviate like myself, this is very much an absurd string of faulty reasoning. Many fellow Obviates have countered this argument by dissecting the Second Amendment’s comma placement in hopes of finding a biased clause. Though I share the sentiment that a subjective clause is reason enough to forcefully strip people of their “rights”, I feel that there are other ways to get our desires accomplished. In order to stop guns and Christians from killing any more people, we will have to advance our agenda through means other than semantics.

Prior to the Orlando shooting, a general, dangerous, sentiment was being slowly accepted by the general populous. People had begun to act like Government regulation and subjugation was not actually helping with violent gun crimes. I know it sounds ridiculous, but people actually believed that government control over the sale of ownership of firearms was a “bad” thing!

Thankfully, like all tragedies, the Orlando shooting was able to rapidly drop all those nasty skepticisms. Fifty plus deaths is a fantastic way to quickly change minds before further thought can be applied; as seen in our PATRIOT victory after the September 11th attacks. Because of the emotional onslaught forwarded by our good friends on late night television, social media and grinder, many otherwise “freedom minded” individuals suddenly (and rightfully) decided that property rights are better off voided. This is very logical, because “doing something” will always result in a positive change. This was certainly a step in the right direction for Obliviousness everywhere, but was not the ultimate course of action needed to stop guns.

The only way to stop the murderous guns trafficked through the United States, in my correct opinion, is to capitalize on mass shootings for the sake of politics. Even if the victims of the shooting did not necessarily agree with Obliviate minded regulation, it is still morally acceptable to look out for their greater good in our particular way. The truth is, people don’t normally know what they want, and it takes government to show them. Because no other factors contributed to the shooting other than the availability of guns, we can easily ascertain what needs to be done. It is really dumbfounding that with an issue this straightforward and simple Conservatives and Libertarians still try to defend “rights”. How are your rights more important than the rights of the club goers who were massacred by right wing Christian gun-toting rhetoric? Is it because the 1200 year old immigrants landed on America and has these provisions? “Rights” are just granted by the Government, and have no meaning for anyone living or dead. Hopefully the Orlando shooting can be used as an instrument for our common sense regulations to pass.

EDIT: Perhaps the saddest moment in history, second only to the death of FDR, was this week, when a sold-out Senate decided that four historic gun regulation bills (made in wake of the Florida shooting) were shut down. This just further highlights the depravity of our enemies on the right. How could you stop a bill that would prevent individuals on a terrorist watch list from buying guns? Is everyone suddenly a hater of the god-sent PATRIOT Act which, by the way, received incredible bipartisan support? The terror watch list is certainly a piece of common sense legislature, and that cannot be rebuked. Allowing the federal investigators to have the ability to detect terrorists without the hindrances of “due process” (racism) and incapacitate their gun buying ability WILL stop terrorism forever. There is just no way around it, which just makes this bill’s failure all the more depressing. For the time being, if you value your (government sanctioned) life, I recommend you move to areas like Los Angles, Chicago or New York. These evolved cities have implemented impressive firearms regulation, and can practically guarantee your safety.

Neil Oaks graduated from Southwest Columbia University of Northern Washington with a master’s in data management and gender studies. Ze spends their time with their two cats, Karl and Marx, and enjoys Oscar-season Swedish films. Their proudest accomplishments are qualifying for an indefinitely benched member of Peace Corps, and getting to momentarily hold Robert Frost’s Pulitzer Prize.

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