Hipsters for Cruz: An Important Review


This article is satire.

Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz has returned to Brooklyn for several late stage campaign rallies, as a final push to keep rival Donald Trump from winning a plurality in delegate-rich New York.

The Cruz campaign is hoping for a large turnout from residents of the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, where they haves scheduled several rallies and appearances at local businesses and entertainment and recreation centers.

“We also will be sending some surrogates into Bedford-Stuyvesant and Bushwick, to canvas for Ted, and remind registered Republicans of the importance of voting in the New York primary for a candidate that reflects their values and understands the struggles Brooklynites must contend with on a regular basis,” said campaign strategist Robert Evans.

“Our entire New York strategy depends on support from the residents of Northwest Brooklyn,” Mr. Evans added.

The undue attention the Cruz campaign is paying to Williamsburg and its surrounding neighborhoods would not seem to promise a solid return on investment, as it is not generally known to be a hotbed of conservative voters, but Mr. Evans disagrees.

“Right after we won Wisconsin, we hurried to New York to take advantage of the momentum and make our case to city residents that Senator Cruz understands their concerns, and is the only candidate who can constrain government to allow private citizens to most easily seek liberty and prosperity,” Mr. Evans said. “Williamsburg has long been a home to a large population of conservative, orthodox Jews, whose values reflect those of Senator Cruz, an evangelical Christian.”

Indeed, polls following Cruz’s first foray into Brooklyn revealed strong support. But upon closer examination of their polling data, Cruz strategists learned their support came not from those wishing to ensure religious liberty, but from affluent, yet unemployed, artsy singles between 18 and 34 years of age.

“Hipsters,” Mr. Evans added.hipster cruz 2

The Trump and Kasich campaigns have used Ted Cruz’s comment that Donald Trump embodies “New York values” to show Cruz does not hold New York voters in high esteem.

“But, we were actually able to capitalize on the Senator’s comments,” Mr. Evans said. “Look at this comment card, filled out by Williamsburg resident, Ether, a 28 year old who runs a street side tambourine repair business. It says ‘I also hate New York values.’”

A sampling of other polling responses:

“Ted Cruz promises to carpet bomb ISIS. This is the most important issue to me.” – Francois, 33, shadow silhouette artist

“I agree with Cruz that Roe v. Wade needs to be overturned. First trimester fetuses are viable babies.” – Rebecca, Hula-Hoop enthusiast

“I don’t know any of his policy positions, but I can tell from his face that he’s the candidate I’d most like to have a PBR with.” – Harold, trust fund baby

Morning will find Cruz meeting with the owners and customers of popular vintage clothing store Beacon’s Closet, and Whisk, a kitchen supply store. Cruz, his wife Heidi and his staff will then ride fixie bicycles to McCarren Park and take part in a bocce tournament regularly held by local residents late Monday mornings. They’ll sample the cuisine at Pies-n-Thighs for lunch, and spend early afternoon taking a tour at Brooklyn Brewery. Cruz will then travel to Brooklyn Bowl to give a speech on a stage set up across a few lanes while customers bowl on either side of the stage. Cruz will then freshen up with a haircut and shave at popular Williamsburg barbershop Manetamed, in preparation for his final rally, held at the Music Hall of Williamsburg, where he will introduce Bon Iver, Fleet Foxes, The Neighbourhood, and Deerhunter to the stage.

“Are you coming out to Senator Cruz’s rally tonight?” Mr. Evans asked a group of twenty-somethings passing by outside Cruz’s Brooklyn headquarters.

“Pfft, yeah, he’s the best,” one replied and rolled his eyes.

“See? It’s this foundation of support we will build upon to deliver another victory to Senator Cruz, and upset Donald Trump,” Mr. Evans said.

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Dillon Eliassen is a former Managing Editor of Being Libertarian. Dillon works in the sales department of a privately owned small company. He holds a BA in Journalism & Creative Writing from Lyndon State College. He is the author of The Apathetic, available at Amazon.com. He is a self-described Thoreauvian Minarchist.