This article is satire.
By: Dillon Eliassen and Nathaniel Owen
On Wednesday, May 25, just ahead of the 2016 Libertarian Party National Convention where the party’s presidential candidate would be nominated, held at the Rosen Centre Hotel & Resort in Orlando, Florida, from May 27 to May 30, candidate Austin Petersen announced his selection for vice president: Green Party mainstay and candidate Jill Stein.
The announcement came via press release from The Libertarian Republic website. It read, in part,
“Dr. Stein recognizes that the non-aggression principle is a load of nonsense that only anarchist pacifists (who IMO are all idiots BTW LOL) support. She and I agree on most if not all issues, particularly the “Jobs As A Right” plank of her platform. If Americans do have rights to life, liberty and property, then the federal government has an obligation to ‘Create living-wage jobs for every American who needs work, replacing unemployment offices with employment offices. Advance workers’ rights to form unions, achieve workplace democracy, and keep a fair share of the wealth they create’…”
Petersen then invited Libertarian voters to a Reddit AMA (ask me anything) to field questions regarding his choice of Dr. Stein for running mate. Here are some excerpts:
AynRandPaulRyanGolem: Some are saying this is just copycatting Gary Johnson and John McAfee, who have already announced their choices for running mates.
AWP2016: Yeah, there will definitely be some idiots who think that. But they should emulate me and my pyramid pussy ways, instead of buying, selling and using drugs together.
WhoKilledAmyWinehouse?: There are some aspects of Jill Stein’s platform libertarians would agree with, but for the most part your choice for Stein as VP seems like a stunt meant to generate publicity going into the LP nominating convention. Did you choose her as your running mate because of her policy positions, or because you’re trying to cast a wider net for third party voters who are dissatisfied with Trump and Hillary?
AWP2016: Those are all valid questions. I killed Amy Winehouse. Next question!
Bananahammock88: You do realize Stein is a socialist, right?
AWP2016: We’re all socialists, neckbeard. Or do you live in Wyoming and grow all your own food and stay off the grid and draw your water from a spring and not use the Internet? Oh, wait…yeah, that’s right. Get out of here, neckbeard!
Mcaffeeineinthemorning: Your proposal to combat ISIS by issuing letters of Marche is little more than ordering assassinations. How do you square this with the Fourth Geneva Convention, which bans assassinations?
AWP2016: Did you sign the Fourth Geneva Convention? I didn’t. I am not bound to it.
Mcaffeeineinthemorning: You don’t have to sign it as president. The United States is still bound to it.
AWP2016: Your user name proves you are a shill for that drug addict Mcaffee, sent to troll me. Not gonna work, asshole.
Rothbard4life: Jill Stein’s platform is just a bunch of environmental claptrap and positive rights. The Constitution is a list of negative rights.
AWP2016: What’s your point, neckbeard?
Rothbard4life: There is nothing in the Constitution that authorizes anything that Jill Stein promises to give the citizens. As the head of the executive branch, how do you enforce positive rights if no apparatus for them exists?
AWP2016: I didn’t sign the Constitution. Did you sign the Constitution? Wait, is your name John Hancock?
Rothbard4life: Why are you such a dick?
AWP2016: Mine’s bigger than yours.
WhoIsn’tJohnGalt?: You’re not married, right?
AWP2016: No way. Not ready to settle down and give up all this pussy that keeps getting thrown my way.
WhoIsn’tJohnGalt?: Aren’t you concerned that attitude will turn off voters with more traditional values?
AWP2016: It worked for Chester A. Arthur. He DEFINITELY got around.
WhoIsn’tJohnGalt?: Arthur wasn’t elected, he became president when Garfield was assassinated.
AWP2016: I DIDN’TASK FOR A HISTORY LESSON!!!! HOW MUCH PUSSY DO YOU GET, HUH?!?! NOT EVEN ONE PYRAMID I’M GUESSING! WHAT’S WITH ALL THESE NECKBEARDS TODAY???!?!?
AJonesInfoWars: Gary Johnson has pledged to fight the corrupt New World Order and the pedophile government. Why do you love the New World Order?
AWP2016: I will not bake Gary Johnson’s cake. Jewish bakers should not be forced to bake gay pride cakes. Pie is a different matter entirely. But that’s a story for another time.
VillagePerson1992: Who does your hair?
AWP2016: Styles by François.
This post was written by Dillon Eliassen.
The views expressed here belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect our views and opinions.
Latest posts by Dillon Eliassen (see all)
- Shortcuts & Delusions: Finally, Peace In The Middle West - June 22, 2017
- Shortcuts & Delusions: Puerto Rican Statehood Is White Genocide - June 15, 2017
- Shortcuts & Delusions: Books, Books, I Need My Books! - June 8, 2017