This article is satire.
The crowded Republican field has divided many Evangelical Christians on which candidate to support, but what people aren’t talking about the huge divide in the Satanic churches. Azaothor “Gary” Khan, the Senior High Priest at the Baphomet Temple said “this election has shaken us up; I’m backing Hillary because I‘ve known her for years, she’s spoken at our Church for free, for FREE! Something she wouldn’t even do for the good people at Goldman Sachs, and every year since her husband was Governor of Arkansas, she has participated in sacrifices at Bohemian Grove. She is a woman who will crush her enemies and has absolutely no fear of God. But Trump has captivated almost all of my flock.”
These days, Satanic churches aren’t just looking for a candidate that will use government institutions to destabilize Christianity. In the 21st century, they are hoping for the actual Antichrist. “Like most Satanists, I voted for Gore in 2000, but the way Bush stole that election and then lead the nation into an unnecessary war that enriched his supporters that controlled the military industrial complex showed real character and made all of us come around to back him fully in 2004. By that point many of us saw him as the potential Antichrist. Obama was another one. His physical resemblance to Akhenaten and Ramses; his captivating but empty speeches made us hope for real change” said Cher Mammon, Assistant Head of Upside-Down Cross Ministries. “Because of his killing the unborn policy, 180 on foreign policy and his expansion of the police state, we voted for him again in 2012 hoping he could still trigger a Second American Civil War. But we were disappointed. We couldn’t vote for Romney; the Antichrist is someone who is charismatic enough to hypnotize the nation, Romney couldn’t even captivate his own party”.
But there is a new stirring at every Satanic meeting. From candlelit drug dens, to the basements of actual cathedrals, Satanists are backing Trump. “The way he ruthlessly goes after people who dare question him, his outright contempt for the masses, the way he manipulates them and the rules of civility, it’s almost animalistic – it’s GREAT!” said Marty Santorum, a recently graduated high schooler who proudly sports a Trump button at his job managing the Scranton Hot Topic. He thinks Trump will institute a real Satanic agenda. Manuela MAKKOR Ramirez said “I’m half Hispanic but I’m 100% backing Trump. Have you been to Atlantic City? It’s an abomination to God! The way he built those gaudy towers of sin and screwed over contractors and employees; he is more unyielding than Hillary in dispatching enemies and will climb over mountains of skulls for the American Throne”.
After a 3AM mass on Sunday night in the halls of Crowley Memorial Church outside D.C., most parishioners were dressed in their normal vampiric suits and black robes, but half of them proudly wore distinctive red “Make America Great Again Hats”. Even if they weren’t voting for him, they praised Trump, “the way he’ll divide people, scapegoat them and turn them against each other for power is something that all politicians do, but the way he does it makes me think he has our Lord and Fighter Lucifer leading him” said Deacon Bob Zerator. Even though everyone liked Trump, not all of them were currently backing him. “The Soviet Union unleashed the worst hell on Christians since Nero, and brought misery to hundreds of millions” said Agatha Graham, the oldest parishioner there. “I don’t understand why we aren’t backing Bernie, who has praised Castro and other Communist Dictators.”
There were pockets of Hillary support. Mike “Lokkotho” Walker lauded Hillary. “As Secretary of State, she started a war in Libya that has led to the outright destabilization of the whole Middle East. Think of what she will be capable of as President. She surrounds herself with our people. I know people on her staff, and one of them even runs our Pancake Brunch. Trump is evil but there are few of our people on his staff crafting real ungodly policies. Most of our Republican people were working with Jeb and Rubio early on, so he isn’t hiring good people that belong to our church. He’s too stupid to unleash long lasting evil.”
Another member who works on the Hill who wished not to be named said “If you read Genesis, it’s evident the a woman is not supposed to wield power over a man, and that’s why I’m certain the first woman President will be the Antichrist. Also, Trump is just making this up as he goes along, so he is willing to launch Armageddon, but will he know how to enslave all the nations and build a dark empire in the ashes? I think not.” Looking at a young parishioner like Mia Fairfield, who leads the youth coalition, “Trump is inspirational to all the young people here: a real model. The way he uses lies to build himself to greatness makes me think he is a real chaos magician. The way he bullies people to do his will, even if he isn’t the Antichrist, he is a holy man… regardless if its him or Hillary, I think our nation will be safe.”