Gary Johnson’s Decision To Run For President Means He Hates America!


This is satire.

Following America’s coronation of a steaming pile of orangutan turd, many people have been searching for something or someone to blame.

Well, good news, friends, I’ve found a scrapegoat for us to direct all our bile at: Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson.

The wise writers at Jezebel and Vanity Fair have already touched on this, and even famed political analyst Cher has offered her calm, reasoned take on Johnson:

But what this column lacks in originality it will make up for in pure, unlettered ranting.

Because, unless you’ve an idiot, this is obviously all Gary Johnson’s fault.


Sure, some might argue that if you’re looking for someone to blame for Donald Trump being voted into office, you might blame… you know… Donald Trump’s voters.

Still others would make a case that this result is largely Clinton’s fault.

After all, she was the candidate so corrupt, hawkish, mendacious, and deceitful, that she couldn’t convince people to vote for her, even to stop President Spray Tan Mussolini. But I, and all the other people blaming Johnson, are smart enough to see through that smokescreen. As we all know, it’s not the Democratic Party’s job to try and win voters over; it’s the job of voters to bow their heads and vote Democrat no matter how poisonous the candidate.

Hell, it’s even been argued by pollsters that the “facts” and “evidence” don’t line up with my hot take. They suggest that, based on early polling and the fact that Johnson is left-wing on social issues and right-wing on monetary ones, he probably took more or less equally from both Democrats and Republicans.

This would essentially mean that Johnson running in swing states just changed a 50% Trump/49% Hillary result into a 49% Trump/48% Hillary one.

Don’t be swayed by these arguments, though. Instead, close your mind and focus all your ire on Johnson.

After all, it’s his fault that, despite polling at 11% in August, being on the ballot in all 50 states and having 63% of the country want him in the debates, the Debate Commission (which is run by the Republican and Democratic parties) wouldn’t let him in.

Why would Gary Johnson run for President? He must have known – simply by running – he was forcing 4 million Americans to vote for him. After all, voters don’t have any autonomy and couldn’t simply choose not to vote for him even if he was running.

And now, because of Gary Johnson’s deliberate plan to only get 3% of the vote, we’re stuck with Trump. All because Gary Johnson hates America.

How dare Johnson? He sees two people he thought would be bad presidents and decides to run against them? How dare he enter the most bitter, nasty election of our lifetime and run an optimistic, positive campaign that captured the hearts of 4 million people? How dare he try and make the world better, as he sees it?

Gary Johnson has ruined the integrity of this election between an embezzler and a groper.

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