It’s debate again. And after the clusterfuck of hot takes, hot air, and gratuitous Spanish speaking that was the first round, more than a few people were probably reaching for the bottle.
There are still 15 billion candidates, so we’ll still have to endure back to back evenings of this nonsense. But this time I’ve decided to at least help a bit, with a drinking game tailor-made for each night.
Thanks to CNN’s rip-off of the NFL Draft, we know who’s gonna be in each debate. So all that’s left to do is get more messed up than half this field’s policy ideas.
On the first night, your the stars of the show will be:
Elizabeth Warren – Not a Native American.
Bernie Sanders – Increasingly sassy because he knows he’s gonna die in, like, 3 weeks.
Pete Buttigieg – Mayor of Identity Politics.
Steve Bullock – Who?
Beto O’Rouke – Unable to beat the Zodiac Killer in a local election.
Tim Ryan – Only remembered for getting cucked by Tulsi Gabbard in the first debate.
Amy Klobuchar – Hillary Clinton 2.0
Michael Bennett – The Virgin polling at 1% because no-one’s interested in your bland ideas.
Marianne Williamson – The Chad polling at 1% because no-one can handle your transcendental love war.
John Hickenlooper – A breakfast cereal.
John Delaney – A guy who looks like your accountant.
With a lineup like that, you’ll be needing the booze. So let’s get to the drinking…
Take a drink if:
- Beto randomly starts speaking Spanish.
- One of the candidates thanks someone for their question.
- Steve Bullock gets asked a question only for the camera to pan out and show the other contestants looking bored.
- Someone blatantly lies.
- Someone mispronounces Buttigieg.
- CNN tries to goad Bernie and Warren into a catfight.
- Marianne Williamson uses the power of love to defeat her rivals.
- The moderator accidentally calls Beto, “Beta”
Take two drinks if:
- The moderator deliberately calls Beto “Beta”
- A contestant talks for a whole minute without actually saying anything (looking at you Mayor Pete).
- Bernie Sanders falls to the ground clutching his heart. Then leaps up saying “Only kidding fuckers”
- Beto randomly starts speaking Esperanto.
- The moderator forgets Bennet or Delaney’s name.
- The moderator forgets Bennet or Delaney’s existence.
- Tim Ryan says something stupid about foreign policy. There’s a rumble and suddenly Tulsi Gabbard appears out of nowhere to chokeslam him.
Finish your drink if:
- There’s another technical glitch.
- Bernie or Warren literally tell the others they have no chance.
- Beto randomly starts waving flags and communicating in Semaphore (someone’s gotta pander to the Elizabethan era sailor demographic).
- Marianne Williamson insists on balancing the Warren’s chakras.
- Marianne Williamson uses healing crystals to banish someone’s demons into the nether realm.
- Marianne Williamson melts all her opponents with her orb powers.
Neck every drink in the house if:
Hickenlooper, Bullock, Bennet, and Delaney all combine to form one mega-bland politician, still poll at 3%.