This is satire.
With the Democrats, The Office for Government Ethics, and various non-profit groups all scrambling to delay Trump from picking his cabinet, you may be wondering what all the panic is about. Who could possibly be nominated to create this much fuss?
Well, below we’ve compiled a totally real list of some of Trump’s most controversial cabinet selections:
Rex Tillerson –State Department
After spending a few days making Mitt Romney beg for this position, Trump finally decided to give the State Department to outgoing ExxonMobil chairman Rex Tillerson. Tillerson once received the Order of Friendship from Vladimir Putin, which, in terms of accolades to be proud of, is right up there with The Kim Jong Un Award for Being a Good Bloke.
Ben Carson – Department of Housing and Urban Development
A retired neurosurgeon, Dr Carson has been put in the most logical department for a skilled medical professional: housing. Duh. When he’s not doing brain surgery, Carson passes the time boasting that he once tried to stab someone and coming up with bizarre uses for the pyramids.
Pepe the Frog – Department of Trolling:
Although he used to be largely apolitical, Pepe became a vocal supporter of Donald Trump in the lead-up to the election. Pepe will be the first frog confirmed (though not the first frog to be nominated) to a cabinet position, and the first meme to serve in a senior government position since Joe Biden.
James Mattis – Defense Department
A retired marine corps general whose vocal opposition to Iran caused friction between him and Obama. That’s right, this guy was deemed too antagonistic by the administration that dropped bombs on 7 different countries.
Pladimir Vutin – Department of Russia Knows Best
A surprise pick, the previously unheard of Mr Vutin has since garnered national attention for his Pro-Kremlin foreign policy and for how much he looks like Vladimir Putin in a trench coat and moustache. Pladimir has spent most of his time since his appointment wandering around Washington asking people their email addresses.
Steven Mnuchin – Treasury Secretary
This former Goldman Sachs partner (#draintheswamp!!) is famous for jumping on failing businesses and making big money from government bailouts. He also looks a bit like the lovechild of Chevy Chase and Rick Santorum. Plus, he was a producer for The Legend of Tarzan, which sucked.
Mr Burns – Chief Hounds Releaser
A nuclear energy magnate and inventor of the Spruce Moose, C. Montgomery Burns is a US WWII veteran who may also have made shells for the Nazis. It’s rumoured he’ll lean on Trump to cover America with a giant plastic dome to block out the sun.
Thomas Bossert – Homeland Security Advisor
Famously hawkish, Bossert is STILL convinced the war in Iraq was a good idea. Plus, he wants to get more involved in Syria. Are we sure this isn’t just Hillary Clinton in a mask?
Hillary Clinton in a Mask – Any Job She Can Grab
Come on, you know she’d try it.
Rick Perry – Department of Energy
Remember in 2012 when the bumbling Texas governor forgot that the Department of Energy existed in the middle of a presidential debate? God, that was funny. Anyway, he’s head of it now.
The Ghosts of Trump’s Businesses Past – Department of Spooky
Okay, so these weren’t exactly “nominated” but the ghosts of Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump Magazine, Trump: The Game, Trump University, the USFL, Trump Airlines, Trump Mortgage, and The Tour de Trump constantly follow The Donald around.
Mike Pompeo – CIA Director
A three-time Congressman from Kansas, Pompeo has called Edward Snowdon a “traitor” and CIA members caught torturing people “heroes.” Most libertarians would probably flip those two around.
A Literal Swamp Monster – Department of Swamp-Draining
Swamp Monster swears he’s committed to draining the swamp. Honestly. Pinkie promise.
* Luke Terry is a freelance journalist who has written about libertarianism for Spiked, LibertarianHome, and others. He freelances comedy content and regularly performs stand-up on the London circuit. Follow him on Twitter at @Vitrioholic