I’m a Registered Libertarian and Would Vote Donald Trump Over Hillary Clinton

I can imagine the backlash in the comments section already: *Drops official Libertarian Party licensed vape on the ground in shock* “An admin of BeingLibertarian is saying he would prefer a Trump presidency over a Hillary one?! That must mean he is officially endorsing Donald Trump and I am unliking this page after telling everyone that I am in the comments!” Not so fast, my libertarian friends! I am of the opinion that Hillary and Trump are both bottom tier, worst possible candidates. Both are anti-capitalism, pro-war, and completely opportunistic flip floppers.  So why would I vote for Trump over Hillary? It all boils down to four very specific, scientific reasons that I will lay out now. So hold on to your fedoras and prepare yourself for the finest, most serious BeingLibertarian article ever written!

A Trump Win Would Make Liberals Cry

Pictured: I’m not picking on some poor, defenseless, granny! That is actually Being Liberal founder W! His pain is my pleasure!

As South Park creator Matt Stone once said: “I hate conservatives, but I really fucking hate liberals.” One of the few nice things that happens each election where I back the losing party without fail out of principle is that either the Republicans or Democrats also lose. The idea of almost half the US being upset at the outcome of each election really appeals to me. That being said I consider Republicans more of allies than I do Democrats. At least they somewhat believe in small government ideas and the Constitution unlike Democrats. Sure, they have to rethink their ideas on war, privacy, marriage, and drugs but they are closer to my beliefs. It’s a pretty serious problem that they are largely backing a mostly liberal blowhard like Trump but I still think that we libertarians could be a big part of the future GOP. I would just love to log on to Facebook the day after the election if Trump won and laugh at all the tears on pages like Occupy Democrats, The Other 98%, Being Liberal, Salon, etc. “I’m moving to Canada!” “Trump will destroy America!” “Now who is going to pay for my student loans?!” It would be glorious. Buttmad Republicans are funny as well but I feel that since they are usually well adjusted adults instead of aging hippies and entitled millennials it’s not nearly as dramatic or hilarious.

I Want To See That Hair In The Oval Office

Pictured: The gorgeous mane itself.

I appreciate it when someone bucks trends and does his own thing, not giving a damn what others think. This is clearly what Trump does. He is is a billionaire! He could get thousand dollar, top of the line haircuts by the best barbers in the world on the daily but instead he has invented something that transcends all we know about how hair should work. It seems to zigzag all over his head in gravity-defying avant-garde ways, Beautiful swirls of white and blond. So long it is possible he hasn’t cut it since he wrote Art of the Deal back in the 80s. Maybe like Samson he loses his powers if it is cut. You can’t look away. It goes to the back of his head over his ears, cuts forward  to the front, doubles back above his eyes where normal plebs allow their hair to end and gloriously finishes by his collar. Most people just have haircuts. Trump has art on the top of his head.

He Eats Pizza Crust First

Pictured: A gif from his 1995 Pizza Hut commercial, showing the proper way to eat Pizza.

If I was Trump I would buy the rights to this ad and use it as my only campaign commercial. Leave it as is but when he bites into that ‘za the screen fades to black and it says “Make America Great Again! Trump 2016!” It’s hard to not like someone as he takes a big bite out of the stuffed crust of a pizza, crust first. I’m trying to right now while I watch this loop but I can’t. You go Trump! You know what you want and you aren’t going to wait until you finish the rest of the slice to get it! After this gif is off my screen I will have to look up his many, many terrible policies and flip flops or I might end up voting for him for real.

Depriving Hillary Of What She Wants

Pictured: Unlike Being Liberal admin W this is an actual granny. A scary one.

If Trump loses it wouldn’t really be a big deal to him. He will keep showing up in the news pushing new conspiracy theories, write books, make buildings, and tell people they are fired. If Hillary loses she will take it much worse. You can tell she has been committed to being president for ages now. We have a very power hungry lady here and no amount of pandering is beneath her to get what she wants. Luckily for her the primary is a clean sweep. Goofy Socialist Bernie is committed to sticking up for all the terrible things she does and says and has already said he plans on endorsing her when he loses (it’s hilarious that people still think he is anti-establishment after that, but that is an article for another day). In fact even if he won the majority of delegates at the Democratic National Convention she could push her way on stage, kick him off and just say she is the nominee anyway. If he can’t even handle some Black Lives Matter kids he certainly would never stand up to Hillary. As for the general elections this is it for her, by the time the next election rolls around she will probably be too old to run. She needs this. The power. The history-making. If we’re lucky we might even see her have a public meltdown if she loses. After all the things she has done she really deserves that happening to her.

So there it is folks, the top four reasons I would rather have a President Trump than a President Hillary! For all serious reasons for someone to be president there really isn’t enough distinction between them. As Hillary would say “what difference does it make?” But the 4 or 8 years of lols that would be created with a Trump presidency is enough to tip the scales for me. I don’t want either, but Trump is preferable.