Shortcuts or Delusions: A Proportionate Punishment
The United Nations Security Council and the Trump Administration are currently weighing options regarding how to respond to the Syrian military’s use of chemical weapons against the rebel stronghold of Douma.
“A missile strike is not popular among Americans as retaliation for Bashar al-Assad’s heinous attack against his own citizens,” White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said. “So, Ambassador Haley and Adviser Bolton are working with their respective deputies and counterparts to formulate options that would not only express a militaristic condemnation of the chemical attack on the people of Douma, but a destabilization of the Assad regime.”
On the popular podcast “The Joe Rogan Experiment” National Security Adviser John Bolton said, “We’re looking into the viability of a strike from Starkiller Base.”
When that guy who hangs out with Rogan, you know, the annoying one, said Starkiller Base was a fictional weapon from the Star Wars film franchise, Bolton responded, “I’m well aware of Star Wars. I worked for President Reagan as well. I’d be fine with an attack by the Death Star.”
A spokesperson for Ambassador Haley said her office has received several suggestions from American allies.
“Israel offered to shoot rockets armed with payloads of Gefilte fish and Matzo leftover from Passover.” he stated. “And British submarines have moved within range in case they are ordered to bomb Syrian military bases with concentrated doses of blood and saliva collected from Russell Brand. Our cousins across the Atlantic have an awful lot of it, for some reason.”
Perhaps the most ambitious idea for retaliation for the Syrian chemical attack is to air drop DVD copies of The Room onto Syrian military bases, the derided and ironically loved movie starring and directed by Tommy Wiseau, pictured above holding a football on a rooftop like any regular American does.
“The Room is great, Tommy is great, all the best bloggers say so,” President Donald Trump tweeted early Thursday morning.
When asked to elaborate on why bombing Syria with The Room is being considered, Sanders stated, “The hope is Syrian military officers, soldiers, and support staff will watch it and upon being confronted with the nihilism and hopelessness inherent to the film, they will lose the will to fight, and we will finally have peace in the Middle East.”
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