Brand New Five-Star Resort Opens in Australia, Locals Love It So Much They Can’t Leave


The grand opening of the brand new Howard Springs Resort in Australia was welcomed by people who were, admittedly, unsure and anxious about what they might be walking into. Upon arrival, they found they loved the place so much that they found themselves unable to go anywhere else.

“At first I was skeptical when the police showed up at my door, telling me to pack a bag and that I was being taken on a retreat. I couldn’t have imagined anything as nice as this!”

Although no parliament officials have had the privilege of staying at the state-run resort quite yet, they give this resort a “five-star rating.” They say that considering the daily temperature checks, daily covid-tests, three restaurant-style meals a day, and a spacious, communally built studio apartment that’s perfectly equal to all other apartments, are amenities that are “unmatched anywhere else in the world.” Not only that, parliament cares so much about their residents that they say a secure police car will pick you up at your house and shuttle you in, making it a truly “all-inclusive” resort experience. The news about this very safe and inclusive resort has apparently gotten out, as local Australians are getting shuttled there in droves, one after the other.

The closing statements given by parliament sounded very positive for Australians. “It’s only going to get better from here” reports PM Scott Morrison, “residents will soon have free firehose showers and electro-shock therapy to look forward to.”

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Gage Hollingshead

Gage is the author behind the popular website Gage's Guide