Hey, remember when commies had big dreams of tearing down corporate oligarchies and plutocracies? You know, the good old days when laborers heretofore suffering false consciousness would correctly perceive their situations and rise up to overthrow the aristocracy and landed gentry, their wealth given to the proletariat and they’d have to work in the factories and mines alongside the laborers they had been oppressing, and finally Utopia would have been achieved?
The commie currently residing in Gracie Mansion has set his sights a bit lower than his Marxist heroes had. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio is pushing for a “millionaires tax” that would fund repairs and upgrades for the city’s subways and buses, as well as subsidize fares for low-income riders. De Blasio, pictured above riding in a subway with other Mole People to prove he’s just a regular guy, said, “Rather than sending the bill to working families and subway and bus riders already feeling the pressure of rising fares and bad service, we are asking the wealthiest in our city to chip in a little extra to help move our transit system into the 21st century.” NYC’s wealthiest residents should be excited to pay their fair share to fund the city’s public transit system, for where else do you find millionaires and billionaires than subways and buses?
“Tax” may kinda sorta rhyme with “ask,” but they are not synonyms. And how do you upgrade subways and buses into the 21st century? Trains and buses are 19th century modes of transportation. Is this really the best de Blasio can come up with? New York is the greatest city in the world, and the Big Apple deserves a better class of commie pinko to run her back into the ground. If he really wants NYC’s public transit system to fast forward to the 21st century, he should be advocating for discarding the trains into Long Island Sound and converting the subway into a system of hermetically sealed tubes like in the cartoon Futurama. I mean, they already have the tunnels dug! Do I have to think of everything?!
In what can only be described as a news story on par with Watergate, of such vital importance to the health of the republic, and that will shake the political establishment to its core, famous tranny Caitlyn Jenner has announced she will no longer wear “Make America Great Again” hats. Vulture reports:
It appeared to be yet another political betrayal from the public figure, as she’d ostensibly withdrawn support of Donald Trump just days earlier, lambasting the president’s tweeted decision to ban transgender individuals from serving in the military…
As Jenner tells it, she was worried about protecting her hair with only a golf visor, hastily grabbed a hat from her home as she got into her car, drove for an hour, hit a few golf balls at a country club in Thousand Oaks, and only upon returning to her retro vehicle “realized what she had done.” So distraught was she by inadvertently demonstrating support for a blatantly transphobic administration, Jenner then decided to put the MAGA hat back on so she wouldn’t “screw up her ‘do” while driving home, briefly replaced it with her golf visor after making a pit stop at a Starbucks, and finally — yet again — put the hat back on for the rest of the way. In other words, Jenner evidently has MAGA hats scattered around her home and still doesn’t seem particularly distressed by the idea of wearing one — so long as she’s mistaken for some anonymous, proud Trump supporter. Progress?
“I apologize to all of the trans community,” Jenner said to TMZ. “I made a mistake. I will never do it again and I’m getting rid of the hat.”
Is it any wonder feminists don’t like Jenner? She fits and promotes more female stereotypes than can be found in a 20 minute hack stand up set. She’s overly concerned with her physical appearance; freaks out over fashion faux pas; apologizes profusely over petty matters; and is a driver so bad that she caused the death of another motorist because Jenner was driving recklessly (you could say that was before she transitioned, but CAITLYN HAS ALWAYS BEEN A WOMAN, EVEN WHEN SHE WAS BRUCE, YOU FILTHY TRANSPHOBES!!!1!)
If you’ve made it to the end of this article, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it. Since you actually read it, and didn’t just leave a comment on Facebook based on the designed-to-trigger teaser, you’re in for a special treat. If my hackery hasn’t worn out your patience and you’re in the mood for some damn good, high quality satire, read this McSweeney’s article. You’ll laugh, even if you’re not a fan of Wes Anderson movies and don’t give a care about the Trump/Russia investigation.
And that’s the way it is, as far as you know.
(Editor’s Note: If you are offended by the phrase “famous tranny,” please note the views expressed are his alone, and do not necessarily reflect those of Being Libertarian. But, if you can’t take a joke and just have to tell Dillon how terrible he is for writing “famous tranny,” you can provide feedback here.)
Image: Josh Haner/New York Times