Comedy & Satire

The Great International SFL Conspiracy

March 30, 2016

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This article is satire.

As a Libertarian I’m quite melancholic. It’s been a bad year for Liberty; the insurgent Liberty movement in the Republican Party that I was a part of (which was supposed to put Rand Paul on the American throne) has been overshadowed by the rise of an outraged mob that worships the most vulgar and proudly ignorant candidate to step forward in the American Republic’s history as its savior. This whilst Reddit is hypnotizing those college friends of yours that can’t even name their local representatives, but now lecture you reading off misleading statistics from Vox about how a lone, possibly senile Vermont Senator with a hidden army of shadow delegates will save society by reestablishing Lyndon Johnson’s failed Great Society on steroids with Nixon-era price controls.
Both these movements have sucked members and optimism from the cause of Liberty. But now I’m learning that I shouldn’t be distraught, because apparently, there is a Libertarian coup occurring in Brazil to oust that President Dilma Rousseff, whose popularity is lower than that of Nixon or W. Bush’s in their final months. This is all happening because her close colleagues within the government (after nationalizing the Brazilian petroleum industry) conducted the Latin American tradition of enriching themselves with the profit… for the people, of course. Right now this poor woman, and her allies with bad back problems from their pockets stuffed full of oil money are being hounded by the angry chants of hundreds of thousands of misunderstanding people in the street, demanding her arrest or resignation for doing what any ambitious politician loyal to their small cartel of powerful friends would have done. I’ve also found out that:

“The right wing is the driving force of the [Brazilian] protests, despite any progressive-minded, anti-corruption sentiment being expressed by various segments of the protest movement. Two of the principal groups responsible for organizing and mobilizing the demonstrations are the Free Brazil Movement (MBL) and Students for Liberty (EPL), both of which have direct ties to Charles and David Koch, the right-wing, neocon, U.S. billionaires, as well as other leading figures of the far right, pro-business neoliberal establishment.”

As someone who interned with Students For Liberty, I should feel like the American Socialist John Reed when he learned of the Bolshevik Revolution in Russia, our moment has finally arrived! The Bolsheviks Libertarians will take every fortress, the thundering fall of this decayed capitalist socialist state will be the catalyst for global revolution and the end of history! I should be excited, but I feel left out. How would you feel if a bunch of people you interned with, were launching a globalist coup to take over the largest South American nation and you weren’t involved?

Allow me to explain.

From 2012 to 2013 I was a Campus Coordinator with Students For Liberty, the great evil Libertarian non-profit that seeks to build a global network of young Liberty activists and intellectuals to create societal change. How I would describe my job as Campus Coordinator, is as a Libertarian activist version of Harvey Keitel’s The Wolf in Pulp Fiction. A campus club leader in my region would call me up with a problem: not enough tabling supplies, issues getting a good speaker within a $200 budget, or the University PC police wanting to shut down an event; whatever the issue, I would arrive with supplies, and make the necessary phone calls or emails to make what needed to happen, happen.

I remember one time at a Rutgers party where I proudly described my work, someone called me a neoliberal astroturfer. A paid Koch shill, which is insulting because I wasn’t paid. The irony wasn’t lost in that this person worked as a “grass-roots organizer” for some organization run by unemployable adjuncts who would extort colleges to fund them with student fee, lobby for higher adjunct pay and more money for students and then organize protests when the tuitions naturally went up. This organization also tried desperately to Astroturf reignite the then-dead Occupy movement.

For a global evil organization, Students For Liberty is rather strange. Building a Libertarian movement is a lot like herding cats. There so many different varieties: anarchists, minarchists, left-Libertarians, anti-Statists, Objectivists, Conservatarians, Voluntarists, agorists, Ron Paul Rastafarians and neoclassical liberal Georigist vegans. All of them came together with different ideas of how the movement should succeed, and hostility and suspicion of each other, and quickly learned that even if one preferred Mises to Hayek, or Rand to Rothbard, they had a fairly similar vision to how mankind could live more efficiently and justly together. What Students For Liberty has done since 2008 is move the Libertarian movement off of the world of badly written newsletters and niche message boards to a more a dynamic social movement – social, as in real human interaction – by holding conferences to attract young idealistic libertarian students, bring them together so they can network and learn that even if they are the only Libertarian at their small liberals arts colleges, that there is a large international network of students that wants to positively influence society and make it freer.

SFL trained students to be leaders and instructed them on how to build campus clubs. We also found young Libertarian intellectuals, the annoying type that would write 5,000 word Reddit posts who did not know that think tanks would pay them to write their long winded essays to correct people who were wrong on the internet. Being at an SFL Conference, especially as an organizer, was a gratifying experience. Watching all these students from various schools that I spoke with on Facebook, or met with at Ron Paul rallies, argue about minarchy vs. market anarchy and then friend each other, isolated Libertarians and liberty clubs were connected to a national/global network of students, activists, and intellectuals trying to spread Liberty.

I had no idea that this was all a secret neocon CIA front. I was really fooled, especially since nearly 80-90% of the students in SFL are very critical of current American foreign policy, as too interventionist. That tricky CIA! Only they would have the contacts to convince Edward Snowden to Skype in and talk to students about their right to privacy and how ought of principle they should encrypt their messages. Looking back, especially at the International Students For Liberty Conference held annually in Washington D.C., instead of talking with Institute of Humane Studies representatives about the best way to go to grad school and get grant money, I should have stopped by the Illuminati-sponsored table and signed their mailing list, maybe I could have been involved in the Brazilin coup, or at least met a girl from a very nice reptilian family.

Now that I think about it, I missed that break-out talk at the 2015 ISFLC, Magic Bullets & Shaky Camera Footage: How Plan a Regime Change. which was sponsored by the Obama State Department. Instead, I went with a bunch of friends to listen to Jeffery Tucker talk about Bitcoin and bow ties. I may have been hung over during that training secession that mentioned that SFL was founded on November 24^rd 1963 by Allan Dulles, the CIA, the Dallas Police Department, Robert McNamara, and LBJ. Also, the whole Libertarian movement was a Koch-funded plot.

Instead, I spent my time buying discounted volumes of Adam Smith and plotting with young Libertarians till 3AM in between vaping and drinking about how we would simultaneously destroy the FED, appoint Ron Paul Presidente for Life with a resurrected robot Ayn Rand as Vice President. You may think this sounds stupid, but partying with other young Libertarian activists and plotting a global Koch-funded takeover was the norm. The whole idea to have Rand Paul run for Senate and then President started with the plotting of bunch of wasted Young Americans for Liberty reps in 2009. I can vaguely recall in the fall of 2012 a student telling me that they had convinced a megalomaniac billionaire celebrity to run for President under the empty slogan of Make America Great Again so he could destroy the legitimacy of the Imperial Presidency, and then to pave the way a disciplined clique of Philosopher Kings absorbed in the esoteric wisdom of Ayn Rand and Mises to take over and run the American Empire. You can call this an outright lie, but I was the one who wrote all this down on a bar napkin at 1AM after the NYU SFL Student Conference with a very stoned Mid-West field rep dictating to me the details as Hurricane Sandy was less than thirty hours away, that storm was probably a sign from the heavens that our nefarious Luciferian plot would succeed.