It’s night two of the second Democratic debate, and that means another night of everyone’s favourite thing… tedious pandering. *Sounds party horn*
Yes, because the entire population of the United States is running for the Democratic nomination, we still need to have a second night of debates to follow the rest.
And because the Democrats aren’t as hilariously callous as the Republicans, they’re not separating the nights into “big boy debate” and “people burning their money” like the GOP did in 2016. That means there’s plenty of legit contenders on tonight, so you can’t just skip it as irrelevant.
Hopefully though, we can help you do the next best thing: pair that tedious pandering with hard drinking.
Tonight, the stars of the show will be:
Kamala Harris – The person doing the most to destroy the Joe Biden campaign.
Joe Biden – Actually, I take that back. This is the person doing the most to destroy the Joe Biden campaign.
Tulsi Gabbard – Hates War (good). Was in a cult (Less good)
Cory Booker – “I speak Spanish you guys!!”
Kirsten Gillibrand – Amy Poehler lookalike
Andrew Yang – Deposed as the Meme King by Marianne Williamson
Julian Castro – Here to talk about immigration, immigration and…um… immigration
Bill de Blasio – Mayor of New York. Still polling at 1%
Jay Inslee – Who?
With a lineup like that, you’ll be needing the booze. Screw hangovers, let’s get to the drinking…
Take a drink if:
- The entire debate build up is hyped up like a wrestling match between Biden and Harris.
- Booker pulls another meme face.
- A painfully pre-prepared jokes lands flat.
- A painfully pre-prepared applause line lands flat, leading to a hilariously awkward silence.
- The Asian-American Andrew Yang gets accused of being a white supremacist again.
- Harris morally looks down on Biden despite having blocked legislation to end the death penalty in California and refusing to get her office involved in investigating police shootings.
- Someone blatantly lies.
Take two drinks if:
- Bill De Blasio starts fiddling with the debate hall’s thermostat (there’s a niche joke for you).
- CNN pretends to humor Tulsi’s perspective on foreign policy before cutting to one of the “serious” candidates to explain why we totally need to stay in the Middle East.
- The contestants do the thing where you point but keep your thumb behind your finger so as to not look too aggressive.
- Castro starts speaking Spanish. Still doesn’t answer the question.
- A candidate criticizes Trump, while advocating policies basically identical to his.
- “Not left, not right. Forward”.
- Biden and Booker fight over who’s the most like Obama.
- A contestant talks for a whole minute without actually saying anything (looking at you Gillibrand).
Finish your drink if:
- You see Biden’s empty stare into the distance as realizes he’s missed his chance to be President.
- Kirsten Gillibrand starts speaking and everyone jumps because they forgot she was there.
- Hillary Clinton runs in begging to be President.
Neck every drink in the house if:
- Jay Inslee does literally anything.
And if you missed night one’s drinking game, check it out here.