THIS IS SATIRE
After months of anticipation, the Democratic Party voters have agreed to reboot the 2016 election: The classic story of an elderly, scandal-ridden, physically-declining centrist Democrat running for election against Donald Trump.
This time, Joe Biden will play the part of the uninspiring Democrat who nobody is excited about but many people feel they should begrudgingly support, a role Hillary Clinton made famous in 2016.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump will be reprising his appearance as the incompetent Republican who says stupid things after it was decided there was nobody better suited to the part.
The new election has been in the works for four years, ever since the last one became most talked about event of 2016. But until recently, voters were unsure in which direction they wanted to take the spin-off.
“We thought about doing something different this time around” a Democratic Party member told us. “In fact, we even considered having the Democrat be someone completely different. Hell, maybe even someone people could actually be excited to vote for.”
“But in the end we decided to stick with what we know and just run basically the same candidate we did in last election.”
“We wanted to keep things as identical as possible to 2016. In fact, we briefly considered running Hillary again in a trench coat and fake mustache. She was very keen on the idea, even suggesting a list of fake names for her to run under: ‘Clillary Hinton’, ‘Shillary Shinton’, and ‘Hillary Epstein-Totally-Did-Kill-Himself’. But in the end it was just simpler to pick a man who just believes all the same stuff as she does.”
Still, this election does promise some new twists to keep long-time fans of the ECU (Electoral Cinematic Universe) guessing. This time around, both candidates will have to run for office in the middle of a global pandemic, a particular difficultly since both men seem incapable of staying two metres away from any woman.
But the main change-up for the 2020 reboot is that, this time, Trump’s character will be the incumbent President, adding a new level of difficultly to Biden’s campaign.
“You really have to raise the stakes with a sequel” said DNC head Seema Nanda. “Last time around, some of the key arguments against Trump were that he’s a mentally-addled authoritarian sex pest. So this time around we’re making things harder. We decided to cast a candidate with all the problems Hillary had but is also a mentally-addled authoritarian sex pest.”
“It should lead to some really interesting drama when we premiere in November.”
Like when Clinton played the role, Biden will also be given a long list of scandals and flaws that will no doubt feature heavily in the election. Rumors and fan theories are already doing the rounds online about which of Biden’s self-evident flaws will be the one that inevitably brings him down. Will it be the fact he worked with segregationists? The fact he can’t meet a female of any age without smelling their hair? The fact he doesn’t even seem to know his name, let alone that he’s running for president? Eager fans will have to wait until November for all to be revealed.
When asked how he felt about being the co-star of the new election, Biden replied: “Where am I?”
Latest posts by Luke Terry (see all)
- How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Landlords – Opting Out - March 5, 2020
- Misconceptions of the Last Week - June 5, 2020
- The New Normal - June 4, 2020
- George Floyd Murder – Hot Takes and Cold Takes – Opting Out - June 4, 2020