Donald Trump’s Tax Whoas!


This is satire.

Donald Trump declared a 916 million dollar loss on his 1995 tax return, a deduction which allowed him to avoid paying taxes for the next 18 years, the New York Times reported on October 2.

“In 1995, we ran a 164 billion dollar deficit,” presidential candidate Hillary Clinton commented at a campaign stop in Waskeegan, WI. “If Mr. Trump truly wants to serve the American people, he should be able to manage much larger deficits than a measly one billion dollars.”

“As First Lady, and as a senator from the pretty good state of New York, I have proven time, time after time, and time again that I have the experience to vote for and administer absurdly large deficits,” Mrs. Clinton boasted.

“Adjusted for inflation, that’s 258 billion dollars,” Clinton aide Wainwright D. McGillucody boasted.

“Even better!” Mrs. Clinton shrieked.

“YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!” 2004 presidential candidate, former Vermont governor, and cocaine enthusiast Howard Dean added.

When asked if she really believed running deficits was preferable to running surpluses, Mrs. Clinton said, “I’m not not saying that.”

“Hillary Clinton: The Responsible Choice for Irresponsible Deficits,” reads a brand new bumper sticker currently being printed by graphic design company, Hey, Look At Me!, which wished to remain anonymous.

“Look, I know all about running deficits,” CNBC News host, former deputy budget director for President Ronald Reagan, and recovering alcoholic Larry Kudlow said. “As a staffer for President Reagan, and now as an adviser for Mr. Trump, I can tell you that the Donald is more than qualified to manage astronomical and irresponsible deficits.”

“These sorts of deficits do much more harm than good, and the fact that Hillary Clinton and her supporters are bragging about them just shows how out of touch with the needs of the American people she really is,” said New Jersey’s 8th congressional district candidate Dan Delaney as he was being shoved into a black Cadillac Escalade with tinted windows, and displaying license plates registered to the Clinton campaign.

“The 1995 tax records, never before disclosed, reveal the extraordinary tax benefits that Mr. Trump, the Republican presidential nominee, derived from the financial wreckage he left behind in the early 1990s through mismanagement of three Atlantic City casinos, his ill-fated foray into the airline business and his ill-timed purchase of the Plaza Hotel in Manhattan,” The Times reported.

Also contributing to Mr. Trump’s financial woes are his December 26 sale of a Christmas tree farm he had invested heavily into, as well as his purchase of a majority share of Huckleberry Motors, a manufacturer of coal-powered engines for Mississippi river boats.

The Times also reported:

“Mr. Trump declined to comment on the documents. Instead, the campaign released a statement that neither challenged nor confirmed the $916 million loss.

“Mr. Trump is a highly-skilled businessman who has a fiduciary responsibility to his business, his family and his employees to pay no more tax than legally required,” the statement said. “That being said, Mr. Trump has paid hundreds of millions of dollars in property taxes, sales and excise taxes, real estate taxes, city taxes, state taxes, employee taxes and federal taxes.”

The statement continued, “Mr. Trump knows the tax code far better than anyone who has ever run for President and he is the only one that knows how to fix it.”

However, just prior to the publication of this article, Mr. Trump tweeted the following:

“I run the best deficits, all the best deficit runners say so, believe me.”

Broadway producers Max Bialystock and Leopold Bloom were unavailable for comment, but a spokesgender for their office said, “It is possible for Mr. Trump, and elected officials in the federal government to make more money by running a deficit than by running a surplus.”

Lame duck President Barack Obama, and Mrs. Clinton frenemy, quacked, “Secretary Clinton did run some pretty big deficits.”

“I guess,” President Obama added, while rolling his eyes.

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Dillon Eliassen is a former Managing Editor of Being Libertarian. Dillon works in the sales department of a privately owned small company. He holds a BA in Journalism & Creative Writing from Lyndon State College, and needs only to complete his thesis for his Master’s of English from Montclair State University (something which his accomplished and beautiful wife, Alice, is continually pestering him about). He is the author of The Apathetic, available at He is a self-described Thoreauvian Minarchist.

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