This article is satire.
US Representative Ruttiger Forsyth (D-TN) announced on Thursday his intention to “do something about lax gun controls” that he believes have led to a rash of mass shootings in recent weeks.
“We can’t not do anything, or even nothing,” Forsyth said. “Something must be done to curb gun violence.”
“We must do everything we can,” Forsyth added.
When pressed by reporters what ideas he has had, he replied, “Many ideas. Some of them might even be good ideas.”
When asked what intentions his proposed legislation, which as of press time has not been officially proposed, Forsyth said, “Very, very good intentions. I only have the best of intentions to get something, anything, done.”
“It is my intent, as a representative serving the will of the people, who also have the best of intentions and demand we get something done, to get as much of something done as the Founding Fathers had intended the legislative process to allow the doing of intended things,” Forsyth said.
“Talk is cheap, and we can no longer afford to do nothing when some things are being done to us every day!” Mr. Forsyth thundered from his podium during his hastily assembled and unannounced press conference on the steps of the Lincoln Monument, from a speech leaked to reporters earlier in the day.
Forsyth’s proposition to not do nothing has been endorsed by The American Institute for Women’s Studies, according to university representative Melissa Mohican:
“I’m not saying that I’m better than you,” Ms. Mohican suggested, “But it is certainly implied.”
Ms. Mohican pointed out that leading researchers from The American Institute for Women’s Studies’ Political Science Department have concluded that in over half of some cases, not doing nothing is preferable to doing something that does nothing for no one. In over 76% of observed cases of gun violence, someone who did not do nothing did something that nobody did nothing to not stop.
“The data sets are settled,” Mohican said when interviewed by Harmony O’Fitzsimmons on USABC’s popular daytime talk show Tomorrow Night with Harmony O’Fitzsimmons. “And we are not expecting any other data sets to be considered nor introduced to any existing data sets.”
“All of this is rather unsettling,” Mrs. O’Fitzsimmons said.
“I agree, but remember, it’s the current year, and never ever not doing nothing about gun violence is just as dangerous as it was in years that weren’t the current year. We have a lot of faith in Forsyth, partially because he’s right, but also because he’s not incorrect,” Ms. Mohican said.
“I wish more people thought things the way you do,” Mrs. O’Fitzsimmons said.
“As do I. I guess you could say I’m the last of my tribe,” Ms. Mohican said.
Forsyth’s plan to do something was met with criticism in some corners. On his nationally syndicated show, overweight radio personality Barth Winslow commented, “Yes, it is I, faithful listeners, El Winslow, always doing everything mere mortals can seldom do. Every time there is a doing, the liberals demand that something be done. However, it is of vital importance to remember that for every thing that is done, an equal something is also done. What Forsyth and his feminazi enablers seldom do understand is the something they propose to do can never, ever be undone.”
Additional somethings were done for this article by Bric Butler, Martin van Staden and Neil “McG” McGettigan. Though their contributions were infinitesimal, they were at least something.