Being Libertarian Perspectives will serve as a weekly, multi-perspective opinion and analysis piece by members of Being Libertarian’s writing team. Every week the panel, comprised of randomly selected writers, will answer a question based on current events or libertarian philosophy. Assistant Editor Dillon Eliassen will moderate and facilitate the discussion.
Editor’s Note: It is certain the three tragedies that took place in Orlando have taken their toll. Emotions are only heightened when tragedy becomes politicized, and further inflamed from accusations and recriminations from one side against the other. Answers and solutions do not seem to be forthcoming, and both sides do not believe the other is dealing in good faith. Positions become entrenched, and reconciliation seems impossible. Anger and mourning can swiftly (d)evolve to rage and depression.
When the tragedies in Orlando are combined with the looming horror of a Trump or Clinton presidency, and the fear and loathing brought about from the news that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beal are expecting their second child, we seem to be in a national malaise that President Jimmy Carter once spoke of. In an attempt to break the fever, we decided to try to lighten the mood. This installment of Perspectives is our attempt to spread some cheer, via irreverence and inanity. We hope it turns your frown upside down.
Dillon Eliassen: Which head of state, living or dead (preferably dead) would you most like to marry? I’ll go first: Calvin Coolidge would make a great wife. He was handsome, didn’t spend a lot, and spoke very little.
If you guys are really ambitious, you can answer in Fuck/Marry/Kill format. My F/M/K is Golda Meir/Calvin Coolidge/Emperor Hirohito.
John Engle: Eleanor of Aquitaine, so I can press my claim for overlordship of France.
Neil McGettigan: If I’m going to marry a dead absolute ruler, I’d go with Elizabeth I. I’d be King of the British Empire at its inception.
Avens O’Brien: I’m inclined towards Elizabeth I. Perhaps I’m secretly the reason she had no man. Since I’m a Doctor Who fan, I’m thinking of this in silly ways.
Dillon: The sillier the better.
John, what’s your F/M/K for Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Eleanor Roosevelt?
John Engle: Franklin/Eleanor/Teddy. I love Teddy but to be able to kill him would mean that I am the last Son of Krypton.
Dillon: A dubious honor, to be sure.
Mike Avi: My F/M/K is Kolinda Grabar Kitarović, Dmitry Medvedev/Vladimir Putin (threeway poly-marriage, of course), and Mohammed Suharto (Croatia, Russia/Russia, and Indonesia respectively).
Avens: I don’t get the Justin Timberlake hate, baby bye bye bye.
F/M/K the members of NSYNC.
Avens: F/M/K Spice Girls. Sorry, my ’90s is showing.
Dillon: Posh/Scary/Sexy. I’ve never trusted Geri Halliwell, she’s wild and can’t be trusted. She’s mos def sexy, but also a loose cannon.
F/M/K Gary Johnson, Austin Petersen, John McAfee.
Mike: All three/McAfee/Petersen, but after the first one, of course.
Dillon: Bonus question: Other than the typical bullshit “Kill Hitler” answer, what would you do if you had a time machine? If I had a time machine I’d assassinate J.J. Abrams’ mother.
Neil: Louis C.K. said it best.
Avens: If I had a time machine I’d go back 4 years and 3 months and tell my friend not to ever be alone with the girl who later falsely accused him of rape. I’m sure I could save a bunch of lives if I did something epic; I just want to fix that for him.
John: It’s best not to go backward in time. More than a few years before you’re born, and close to everyone you know who existed will never have been born, even if you only change things in a tiny way. Just go back a week and make a series of highly leveraged stock bets.
Dillon: John, that’s the plot to the movie Primer.
Mike: If I go to the future, I’ll get high with Gary Johnson while he’s the President.